Injuries to body and soul

We’ve slipped behind schedule. Luang Prabang is that sort of place, it’s a grown-up town that’s happy wearing its slippers and smoking a pipe, satisfied with its lot in life and not trying too hard.

After our stay in the villages of northern Laos we were excited about the prospect of a working shower, warmth from the sun and posh restaurants and bars. While the dream shower continued to elude us – not surprising at the prices we’re paying – everything else lulled us into a few lazy days on the Mekong.

It’s not been without its troubles though; I’ve picked up two injuries and a cold. The first ailment was at the Lao Lao Bar, a sort of barbecue fondue where a bucket of red hot coals is sunk into the middle of your table and you cook a choice of meats over a metal dish, with noodle soup bubbling away in the dish round the side. I got a burning coal right on my pinkie and nearly kneed the whole table over Polly before I knew what had happened, but luckily no further damage was done.

The next morning we went out for an amble around the town, made it to breakfast and were overcome with fatigue so just ate our way through the day. We made up for it in some spectacular fashion the next day, breaking our daily Wat record and climbing Phu Si where there were some incredible views out over the whole province. I was so overcome I ended up doing a sexy pose.

The real highlight of the day came that evening. The best bar in town is a place called Utopia, which has a bamboo terrace overlooking the river and is incredible at dusk. More importantly, every Friday it has a volleyball tournament and so I put my name down, while Polly took the reigns as Head of Media and additionally Chief Cheerleader. She refused the miniskirt and bikini top I offered her for the latter.

So how did I do? It wasn’t looking good at first, I was teamed up with three Germans that looked like they were out of Glee and an Australian girl who had cycled 80k (we talk in ‘k’ here, it upsets me but that’s how it is) already that day. We lost our first match to a team of Cambodians who obviously lived in Laos and hustled the volleyball circuit, but won our next three group games. We literally bulldozed our way through the semi-final – I personally knocked a girl over on the way to victory.

And so to the final, after three hours of competition. I can’t speak for my teammates but I was five Beer Laos to the good and full of confidence that only blind drunkenness can give you. Polly was saying something about not having eaten any dinner but I was so focused I blocked her out of my mind.

It was the re-match everyone had been waiting for; Team Sebastien vs. The Cambodians. The first match was a close call but we narrowly lost. Then the second leg , and disaster. With the game tied I made the supreme sacrifice going for over a ball over my head. Turning on a sixpence, I executed an amazing overhead volley. The crowd gasped. Lying on my side, I watched the ball arc to the far corner as it dropped. It’s in! I’m going to win this single-handledly! But then joy to despair as the ball hit a branch on the way down – out! I got to my feet and as I took the commiseration from my team and the crowd (except Polly, she seemed to have gone somewhere) I realised that the pitch was not in fact beach and rather a concrete yard covered with a fine layer of sand. My hip was shot and my wrist unplayable. Needless to say, without my flair and vision we went on to lose. We went home dejected to a loser’s dinner of crisps and half a Dairylea baguette.

The plan for the next day was to go to the Tat Kuang Si waterfall waterfall but I was in pain and so we went to the hospital instead.

To pass the time while we waited for an x-ray Polly had brought her trumpet, so imagine the disappointment when we saw this sign at the entrance. We didn’t have to wait long though, the doctors laughed as they handed me my bill and sent me on my way with a couple of aspirin.

The next day we finally made it to the waterfall. Have you ever seen a bear in real life? I don’t see how this has slipped past the rest of humankind, but bears aren’t real. We saw a Moon Bear supposedly saved from poachers near the Quin Se waterfall and I can assure you from the movements of this actor that there's no such thing as a bear. All bears are humans dressed up in bear suits.

The park owners were probably putting dye in the water as well, the waterfalls were incredible although suspiciously not so at the top where everything starts out as a brown sludge. It took us half an hour climbing sheer mudbank to find that out.

And away again! Off to Viang Vien for the tubing...

Laod? Not much!

We’re back in civilization! If you’ve been worrying about our lack of updates I apologise on behalf of the northern Lao, who haven’t bothered to set up their internet yet. It’s probably not their fault though, I bet you BT have cocked up their change of address and they’re still on hold with technical support.

So without the ability to play Bejewelled or check on West Ham’s misfortunes we decided to get out into the fresh air and do some outsdoorsy stuff. Our first stop was Luang Namtha, a town that seems to have changed quite a bit since our 2006 Lonely Planet edition was published, so the bus station was not in fact 200m from the centre but 10k. Seems the Ministry of Transport moved it to give the tuk-tuk drivers something to do.

I can't blame them, not only does it give them an income but also something to do in the freezing cold. At night Polly slept in a pair of leggings, tracksuit bottoms, three t-shirts, a jumper and a delightful Lao fleece she had to buy in a fit of panic about the temperature.

We signed up for a day’s trekking which gave us our first taste of really being in the middle of nowhere. Great for us, not so great for the girl who decided to do the four hours up a mountain in flip-flops.

Some of the money for the trip goes to a village in the mountains, but don’t worry, I won it back from some kids in a game of Kataw. I was pretty amazing but this is the best Polly could do to capture the moment.

It would seem she was more interested in taking pictures of all the baby animals than watching me making mugs of the small children.

We also got on the bikes to see the surrounding area for ourselves, it’s a stunning setting and the hundredth Wat we‘ve seen even managed to provoke some interest.

Next to Nong Khiaw on the dustiest public bus on the planet. Not only did we get bronchitis but also enjoyed the entertainment from the driver, smoking away at the wheel and stopping off to buy a lovely set of brushes. Nong Khiaw is built on the River Ou between sheer mountainside and is breathtaking. By way of punishment for this pleasure we had to stay in a bamboo box, which claimed to come with a shower. It might more accurately have been called a drizzle.

We took a bit of downtime here but you can’t just get drunk all day (so Polly says) and we went off for a wander, encountering a herd of water buffalo appear out of nowhere while we were investigating a pond full of water lilies and stumbling on a cave that the Lao used to live in while the area was being bombed. I must have made quite an impression, they made me Chief of the Cabinet!

Word quickly spread about my appointment and I was invited to play football in the town square; apparently it’s a requirement for any incoming cabinet member.

Although the rocks on the pitch made slick passing a little tricky, the mountainous scenery made it feel like we were playing at the Nou Camp, albeit with trees for fans. Sadly, an heroic effort to stop the ball going out of play left me with a graze on my ankle and, as is tradition when I go abroad, the wound’s got infected and now I’m injecting iodine into it every ten minutes.

The following day we took a longboat up to Muang Ngoi Neua, which is inaccessible other than by river. They pack the tourists on like cattle on these little beauties, but my new VIP status meant Polly and I were granted the best seats on the boat. We didn't realise how significant this was till we hit the rapids and everyone got drenched but us. Result!

Even more stunning than Nong Khiaw, we only stayed on for one night; this had nothing to do with the town alarm clock, which involved some bloke banging a drum for ten minutes at four in the morning. He even had a little trick where he’d leave out a couple of beats every now and again to lull you back to sleep. The snooze button of the rural world if you will.

So that’s it, an incredibly painful four hour journey on the back of a truck and we’re here in Luang Prabang. It’s a bigger place than we’re used to but very laid back, we’re going to look at more Wats, go see a waterfall and then relax vigorously. We haven’t had a massage in days.

Pai Pai baby

Aaaaaaaah. We arrived in Pai a few days ago, a once sleepy village/hippy retreat which now has high street filled with market stalls, neon lights and as many gimmicky bars (stools made out of scales, walls made out of old bottles of booze, you know the thing) as you can shake a sleeping dog at.

We stayed a couple of kilometres out of town in a sweet little place called Aqua Resort complete with bright yellow, live frog in the toilet. Very peaceful it was, giving me time to reflect on my life’s achievements to date.

A couple of minutes later I was bored and out of material so we decided it was time to hit the road. Rumour had it that there were elephants and hot springs to be found a couple of miles away, but in the searing heat and with bicycles being out of the question after Polly’s incident, how would we get there?

The answer was obvious. Have thousands of Brits not blazed this trail already, drunk and without qualification? Yes my friend that’s right, we got ourselves a motorscooter. I once drove my friend Nigel’s motorbike in a field and nearly broke my leg after getting confused between the throttle and the break, and Polly isn’t going near anything so much as a handlebar moustache for a while, so we were both a little apprehensive.

After a couple of laps of the town I decided if we fell off going REALLY slowly it wouldn’t be so bad, so we paid motorbike woman a couple of quid and off we went.

First stop, to see the elephants. Massive they are. Massive, saggy and with skin like those brooms you use to sweep mud and leaves out of your back garden. We went for a ride on one, which must have been the most uncomfortable two hours of our lives. It turns out there’s a bone right between your legs, the ‘undercarriage’ if you will, that if beaten by an elephant’s spine for more than five minutes bruises up and leaves you unable to walk very nicely indeed. We thought it must be normal for elephants to take ten steps forward before rearing up, spinning around and trying to run off a cliff. Turns out it isn't, but our elephant didn't like going out on her own and had a new driver she'd never played with before. Naturally, the owners didn't mention this till we got back.

To recover we went to the mountain spa, natural pools of water that are so hot you can cook eggs in them. Sadly we only worked this out by the time we got to the top and saw everyone else doing it so didn’t get to cook any ourselves.

I did take a picture of Polly next to an egg sign though.

So much for Pai, time and tubing wait for no man. We’re off for a couple of days’ bus travel to get right to the north of Laos where it’s all mud, rice and whisky. Then on to Luang Prabang, where I expect it’s all going to go off.

PUPPY!

If Dan can cook, so can you!

I don't see what all the fuss is with Masterchef, put me on there the minute I'm back because, having spent a day at Asia Scenic Thai cooking school, I could whip up a Tom Yam soup in two mintues with just a couple of herbs and a chicken knuckle. Polly picked up the basics too.

The day started with us buying fresh ingredients from a stall run by a local cat.

Our chef, known only as 'A', then proceeded to give us an excellently camp lesson in the history of rice. At the end of the day we exchanged clothes.

After we'd got all that nonsense sorted, it was on to the real deal - cooking! Polly did some fiddly girly stuff and wrapped up some spring rolls while I got proper manly and crushed some herbs and spices. Grrrrr.

I don't really remember what happened next because we were in a room without air conditioning and eight gas burners going off, which made me pass out and hit my head a couple of times. I'm told I was very impressive with the wok though, as I think the picture below picture confirms.

Look at all the food we made! Mmmmmmmm! The nice man 'A' even gave us a cook book so that when we can embellish our tedious stories with Flavours of the East when we get back.

Some are more equal than others

When you're undertaking a trip with your partner for a significant period of time, it's important to establish who takes responsibility for what.

Some people might fight over this but we've had no trouble at all agreeing on our roles:

Polly Wheldon
Head of Strategy (Working out the best way to get where we're going) Planning (booking tickets, hotels etc. to reach where we're going), Finance (paying off the credit card) and Logistics (anything else that's a bit boring).

Daniel Foley
Head of International Liaison (chatting to strangers), Media (taking photos and updating facebook), Information (Googling stuff), Information Technology (keeping the laptop charged) and Hospitality (buying booze).

I got a real ticking off from a sign today. Granted we've gone over our daily budget so far but it's the start of the trip and we're just getting to grips with the currency. Harsh.

Yesterday was exhausting. We started out going to Fortune Mall to try and get our camera fixed and after the usual pointless haggling with a taxi driver (“200 baht”, “No just use the meter”, “100 baht”, “No just use the meter”, “Fortune Mall, 81 baht”, “There you go”) we found all the shops were shut because everyone’s on holiday until 4th Jan 2054. I think they must use a different calendar to us.

This was or third attempt to save the camera and by now we were well past traipsing around electrical markets and malls so let our inhibitions go, marched into Tesco (Tesco Lotus no less, fancy that!) and bought a new camera for £65.

We clicked that camera to within an inch of its life as we toured the Grand Palace and Wat Pho, where we saw the Buddha in his Emerald and Reclining states then went home for the day’s main event – The Nighttime Bike Tour.

Both Polly and I were a bit suspicious about this. We’d been in Bangkok for three days and all we’d seen on the roads was an endless battle between the three rival taxi firms; Pink, Green/Yellow and Red. I’m currently supporting Pink, they’ve got a jauntiness about them that the serious Red lacks, while Green/Yellow are the tired, bitter stragglers and the most likely to try and rip you off.

No matter, we thought of an evening the traffic will quiet down and we’ll take some sneaky back roads to visit Bangkok’s hotspots by night. No, no, no, no , no. We were straight out onto the dual carriageway, then after we’d got through that it was time for pedestrian dodgems as ten of us tried to weave out way along the pavement and through market stalls.

Then tragedy struck. We’d been bumping up and down the pavements, dodging people and weaving through potholes and trees when Polly took a ramp/dodge combination at the wrong angle and went flying. Luckily the injuries were minor but we called it a day and went to get a conciliatory crepe, which I think cheered Poly up no end. The pictures tell the story.

We saw Rod Stewart today! Not really, but I bet when you read that you were as excited as I was when Polly lied to me. As it turns out the lookalikey was far more interesting and we followed him for about five minutes, marveling at his blonde hair and white kaftan-style outfit. Here's a clip of the man in action.



Such luck is only bestowed on people that catch not one but TWO lucky bracelets from the mad monk at the weekend market. Polly says they're lucky, but I'm not so sure. In fact, I think the monk was pretty unhappy when people caught them and as far as I could tell from the ferocity and disguise of his throws he was just trying to catch unsuspecting tourists in the eye.

Nonetheless Polly felt the calling had come so we followed the religious trail through chinatown to the wat mangkon kamalawat. There we found thousands, possibly millions, of Chinese going to prayer, each having purchased a bundle of smoking incense, flower and some elaborate game of fortune that involved getting a load of numbered sticks and shaking them about until one fell out.

We tried to work out what they were doing while our eyes were being burned out by incense smoke. We guessed at it being some way of telling the future before the fumes got too much and I had to rip off my shirt and carry Polly out under one arm and a bundle of puppies under the other. On the way out Polly noticed a weird oversized kidney been that the wat-goers liked smashing on the floor but she was too overcome to take a guess at what this was supposed to do.

Today's conclusion: religion is too confusing, expensive and smokey.

Bangkok - The Arrival

We've made it, we've only bloody made it. Not that difficult you'd think but given the snow chaos a week ago, flight transfer in Mumbai and my efforts to ruin the operation it's pretty impressive. It's the airport security that gets me, I've got very specific systems for all my crap - cigarettes, phone, wallet, passport (in order of importance) - and taking all this out and putting it through the scanning device leaves me very disorientated. That's my justification for leaving my wallet and laptop in the collection bit on two separate occasions, although it doesn't explain why I also tried to leave my mobile phone and immigration form on the plane. I'm blaming jet lag for that one. I'm already feeling sorry for Polly.

We've been in Bangkok for one day and the highlight so far is getting a haircut from a woman on new year's day morning. Not much of a highlight you might think, but considering one member of staff was passed out on a couch and the one cutting my hair said, "I very drunk, very tired, sorry!" I think I've got out of it pretty lightly.

Needless to say it's very sunny, food's cheap and delicious and it's all very exciting. I've started editing video footage. It's going to be amazing.