Beach bums

Sweet mother of Moses, the scenery on Koh Lipe is something else. You can say what you like about the white sand and turquoise sea set against the lush green mountains, but when it comes to entertainment the humans win hands down.

We spent a whole afternoon watching these two and their mates (the other girl’s thong was even skimpier, unlikely as that seems) employed in all sorts of stretching and bending. We thought it couldn’t get more graphic than during the sandcastle squat, but we hadn’t counted on the photo shoot. We felt like we were on the set of a porno as we watched the bloke in Stetson and Speedos photograph the other guy and two girls who were gyrating, lunging, posing and groping all over the place. Top-notch entertainment.

Lipe's great, we even made some friends who could put up with us for more than one night! We met Dave and Clare on the beach, one thing led to another and we were soon clearing the fridge of Chang. It could be because we’re out of practice with the drinking, or the fact that it turned midnight and we’d forgotten to eat, but by jingo I could barely stand up. Still, it hadn’t stopped me trying to fight Dave – a professional kick boxer – all through the night. When I woke up the next morning I had sand in every orifice, scratches everywhere and my hands looked like raspberries I’d been bitten so many times by sand flies. Still they met us for a curry the next evening, but we suspect it was just show us the photos and videos of us making tits of each other.

This all made up for the biggest disappointment of the trip so far; not being able to see the Dugongs. We’d gone to Koh Libong for three nights just to see them but the weather was terrible; it had already rained and blown a gale for the last two nights.

We agreed we probably shouldn’t have bothered when the journey over there on the longtail boat was very, very scary. We didn’t see another boat out on the water, the major ferries weren’t running and yet we found one nutty longtail driver who would take us. It’s no exaggeration to say that every ten seconds we got soaked from head to toe by waves crashing over the side. As we motored past Koh Mook’s rocky coast we just closed our eyes and prayed the engine didn’t cut out. When we got to Libong the storm felled a palm tree that crushed a building there; luckily no-one was hurt so we decided we’d just whimper in our hut for the next few days and ride it all out.

It’s all blistering heat again and we’re in Hat Yai in the southern mainland after a complete 180˚ change of plan. The idea was we’d go from Koh Lipe back up north by ferry to Phi Phi and Phuket, but we had to plan this the day after our kick boxing evening and couldn’t cope with the idea of a nine hour ferry journey. We had the inspired plan to just go to the nearest city and eat McDonalds, which brings us here.

We’re staying in the New Season, which has a brilliant policy on damages to the hotel. You’d expect to get a bill if you smashed the TV, but in the room there’s a list of EVERY item in the building and what it will cost you if you a) break it or b) want to take it as a souvenir. Quite why you’d want to take the minibar as a reminder of your stay isn’t clear, and we daren’t put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign out in case someone nicks it.

Tomorrow we head to Songkhla on the east coast, the last safe town in the south before the Muslim separatists get really serious with their bombing. We hope. If it all goes wrong, please remember us by these sexy beach poses: