The End

So thats it: we're finished. Polly and Dan are no more, our relationship a whisper on the wind. It's a tragedy but my immediate concern is what I'm going to do at weddings when I get a plus one. Polly will obviously be fine but what about me? I'll probably have to employ a cheap prostitute and then never get invited to a wedding ever again.

I should mention that we are still technically a couple but it's only a matter of time now until we break up. How do I know? A fat little mechanical Buddha told me. We were out shopping in Krabbi - a particularly stressful affair because Polly was crippled by her bad back and I was suffering from stomachas eruptis - when I happened on this pleasant looking chap.

If you've seen Big then you'll understand this guy's the equivalent of Zoltar. I gave Polly our only five baht piece and she sent the Bhudda a-whirling until he gave us the fateful number 21. It turns out all fates can be categorised by 30 succinct descriptions because there were that many choices of destiny to be taken from the counter under the big man.

Unfortunately all the fortunes were written in Thai; fortunately, our very generous host at our hotel spoke excellent English and was able to translate. I was coming down the stairs as he finished translating for Polly and when I enquired as to the outcome he was very abashed and refused to tell me. After some struggle I was able to squeeze the prophecy out of Polly and it turns out she's going to be very lucky and then have a new lover very soon. My only guess is that she'll win the lottery and be able to upgrade to a far superior model; Tinchy Strider I expect.

So with this grave news we set off to Koh Lanta and landed on our feet with a small resort that had only been open two months. Very reasonably priced, it had the most comfy bed we've seen in weeks, air conditioning, mini-bar and hot shower. Thank Vishnu it did because the next night was full moon. Prudence requires that anyone interested in that night's events apply in person, but suffice to say we have never needed these creature comforts more than that day. Polly only left the bed once and that was during a power cut when she crawled to the balcony to breath.

We packed up and sheepishly left for our next destination, Koh Ngai. Beautiful place, very rustic and probably the loudest place we've ever been on account of the jungle creatures, which meant we got about an hour's sleep every night.

Even when the sun rose the wildlife found a way to torment us, my particular favourite being this guy that Polly found in her trousers.

My least favourite was a slightly smaller version I encountered on a morning jog; I hadn't spotted his massive web and went face first through it. Needless to say I took the whole thing in my stride and after few mere seconds of having a proper fit I got the spider off me.

If we thought we were safe when we ate at the restaurant, we were wrong. A couple of extremely bolshie mina birds joined us every lunchtime after Polly had made the mistake of feeding them scraps on the first day.

After that they decided our food was fair game and landed right on our table and tried to pick off morsels of food when we weren't looking.

Exhausted from our battles with nature we set off to Koh Kradang where we've been spoiling ourselves at a posh resort. Turns out we couldn't have timed it better because it's been crapping it down. It's really not a problem though, we've taken advantage and spent our days in the gargantuan bed and had our own little filmathon.

Despite the size, as you can see Polly wasn't that keen on sharing.

In other news, it will be to everyone's delight to know that I've acquired a vest.